The Reasoning

Motivation is an interesting thing...it pairs well with ambition and life in general. People make a living out of motivation, trying to motivate people; it is a strange idea that you look to someone else to motivate you. I look to myself for motivation.
For most of my life I have looked down on myself with hatred, a dislike for my body and even my personality. I love my friends and I love my family, hell I love my job even but when it comes to -me- there is just something I don't like. Oh it isn't a mystery, I know exactly whats wrong. I'm not here to complain and bitch and hope people will look on pitifully and pat me on the head and say "you're perfect the way you are" and other bullshit. There's a reason why ads have half-naked beautiful women on them, because thats what a guy wants, he doesn't want the "every woman is beautiful in her own way" woman.
I'm getting off topic.
The entire point of this blog (interestingly enough the word "blog" shows up as a misspelling in the composition of this post) is for me to do something about my self-hatred. I want to improve on myself and its high-time I stopped yapping and complaining about it and do something about it.
I'm an over-weight ex-college volleyball player. I gained my freshman-fifteen easily and sadly it didn't stop, it got worse when I quit volleyball in December (2010). I let loose, telling myself I'd change. I never changed.
It's now September (2011), actually middle of September and I want to change like no other. My eating habits are horrible but worse my exercise is non existent. I used to workout with a purpose: volleyball and now thats gone. Finding the motivation, a cause to workout has been hard. Laziness has taken a hold of me and procrastination has taken a bigger toll.
Tonight I did cardio. for 40 minutes at Anytime Fitness (great 24hr gym you can access in pretty much every state). I weigh around 220 lbs, and I'm not proud of it. But the reason I say this is because this is a shameful way to motivate myself. I get embarrassed when I eat around people; I'm a bigger girl. I have an internal monologue that will have me thinking about the negative things people are most likely thinking when they look at me eat, present myself etc. So I find it motivating when others know about what I'm doing, I have to keep at it, shaming myself into it more and more. Its not the healthiest of motivations but its something to get me started.
They say starting is the hardest part, getting into the routine will be the greatest struggle. This is where I start...again (but hopefully this time it works).
-Rachel